this was supposed to be about memories

i remember laying out on the lake with my best friends. i was carefree. we listened to songs with 'deep meanings' and told eachother we'd never grow old or apart. my heart stilled with the kisses i shared with alex. he was like putting my feet in cold water, surprising and muscle binding. i wasn't happier than, i am happier now. yet in that moment i was the happiest i'd ever been. we ate hotdogs and roasted marshmellows and i slept in a sleeping bag.

my mom's favorite song is landslide. this was played at my aunt's funeral. along with delta dawn. my cousin sang it and i was too shy to sing but i did in my head anyway. those were the days of tears and funeral arrangements. and my new shoes squished into the wet grass while they buried her yet i held my cousin's hand. i didn't cry because i didn't think it was correct to. we all rode back in her mom's car and she asked me about school, i smoothed out my black tshirt and wondered where we were going to go. we went back to my cousins house and ate those sandwiches from a plastic package and i wasn't sad.
that night i cried because it finally hit me. i don't think about this anymore. my aunt was really pretty and nice and she was always on my side yet i can't remember the color of her eyes.

i remember the moment i told my dad i had tried to kill myself. it was dramatic and loud and i screamed at him, tears pouring down my face, my fists wanting to hit something. he stared at me, said nothing. then after he came into my room and hugged me so hard my lungs ached. he said, "i love you. i love you. don't ever say that again."

i remember too much. but i want to remember these days, the days that are happening right now. today we had a bbq and i ate too much mac and cheese. connor is obsessed with his red jeans. my mom and i fought over money yet i hugged her after. my dad was wearing that colonge i bought him for easter and he looked silly in jeans. my sister is too old and her eyes are too sad but i love her anyway,the heartache will pass, she'll realize this. i'm worried about money but i realize i have something much better. my family is what keeps me here most days, i've realized this over and over. i love them all. they mean so much.

sleepytimenow.
-james