i wish i was stronger.

my mother is sick. i've said this too many times to count. tonight is a night where this hurts more than i can ever say. she passed out in the hallway. i had to help her walk to bed. she was talking, in a quiet voice that made tears start to form in the corner of my eyes.

she said. 'when i die, i want a grave stone. a big white one. or i want you to plant a tree for me and have a little bench. i want a profound quote on the bench, you can bring your kids there and talk about me to them. you're good with quotes.' i told her to stop over and over yet she said it. i know what my mother wants when she dies, i know what is expected of me. why does she remind me so much? i'm sitting here and sobbing on this god damn computer and i want to hate her. i want to hate her for being my mom and making me rely on her throughout my life and then just. she is planning on leaving me like this. i want to hate god for taking away a mother i never knew to give me one i love so dearly. and now he is taking her away also. how fair is that?

maybe it isn't about fair, you'll say. maybe life just works that way or god doesn't plan these things or whatever else you plan on saying but. i've lost too much. too many fucking people and i'm tired of it. i love my mother so much. she gets sicker and sicker every day and all i can do is watch. how is this supposed to be alright? how is there a god when this is happening to me over and over? why do i keep losing everyone i care about? my real mom and connor's mom and andrew and my aunt and my uncle and just. other people. people i've cared about and loved so much.

i don't think i can do it this time. i get angry. i want to hit something or break something or scream at someone. i don't want to talk about what she wants on her fuckiung gravestone i want her to fight. this is all too much.

i drive in the car with her and smile. but i'm so sad on the inside. one day i will not have these days. these days filled with car rides and sunshine. and late night trips to the store where we spend seventy dollars that we don't have on things we don't need just to make us laugh. where we buy coffee at five am because my mom is insane. where we laugh so much my stomach aches. my mom is the funniest most sarcastic person i know. she makes me laugh so hard. i'll lose this one day. one day soon and i cannot think about this because it honestly tears me to pieces.

i will probably delete this later but i needed to get this out now.

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

-james