i have a tumblr.

the tumblr is more for the day to day stuff as opposed to my blog which is for memories and big posts.
cloudedblueeyes.tumblr.com
check it?

people can't always be perfect cause thats not real, right?

-james.

life is fucked up. love is fucked up. and friendship is fucked up.

fish tank bubbles and broken boys.

this is my mind.

my heart is in my stomach, i can feel it. no wait. it is in my throat. he hasn't called for hours. i wonder where he is. i wonder if he is smoking or doing drugs or happy. i wonder if he is wondering about me. i don't want to answer as soon as he calls so it doesn't seem like i've been sitting by the phone all day even though i have. no wait, my heart is in my stomach again.
i'm on the verge of tears. i'm always on the verge of tears. i want to cry to someone and press my face against their bare stomach so they feel them. i want them to stroke my hair and say 'don't be scared' because i am scared. when i move i can smell my colonge or whatever it is and it smells good. i want goose bumps to break out across my skin, i want someone to whisper in my ear.
life feels too heavy lately. the future is too near. i have a job now, a good one, but it is still a job. next year i will go to school full time and i will have a full time job and no one will like me. i cry about this because no one ever likes me. i know someone will read this and say different but they don't see me on a daily basis. i'm not me anymore, i'm nothing at all. i wonder if i can call her back or if she'll be angry. i don't know. better not chance it. i want to hit something or scream at something or break something or kiss someone or be touched or be hit myself. i am suffocating and no one gives a fuck. i try to tell people and they ignore it until i cry and they act like i'm some burden. well i am. i'm a burden and it isnt gonna get any better. and now ive stopped caring about how i write things which is why im not using those ' things that im too lazy to type out the long word because its long even though writing that was longer then the word itself but i dont care. im needy lately. i need everything everyone something. id give up anything to feel how i felt a few years ago. messed up maybe but happy. friends everywhere and laughter all around. now im stuck in my room wondering what ill do if i see someone at the grocery store that i know. i cant go outside my stomach is aching fuck me. its too hot but i dont want to reach the fan. and now steph called and im crying so im going to say bye. when she said whats wrong it made me feel terrible because something is always wrong. im always wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong WRONG WRONG WRONG. i wish i was brave enough to actually hurt myself but im not. i can cut myself but not too deep and then when i do its angry marks that are too deep and make me cry harder and make my head spin and he still hasnt called and i just want to take a shower and breathe and i cant do this anymore because laureen is angry at me. she doesnt think i tell her anything when in reality i just filter my thoughts.
i want to die but more than that i want to live. i just want to be happy but i cant find it without putting myself out there a little even though i wont. i dont know why this is so hard for me. i used to be outgoing and now i cant even walk outside to take out the trash without feeling like im going to mess something up or someone will say hi and i will freak out. i just want to sleep but i want to talk to someone and cry to them i cant though im too much of a mess
writing this wont change anything but maybe laur will be less angry or sad or whatever she is and maybe i will be able to just cry and lay down and cry more until my stomach hurts and then ill climb under my blanket and feel somewhat safe.

idontknow.
-james

i was born in the arms of imaginary friends

down the road, later on

you will hate that i never gave more to you

than half of my heart.

but i can't stop loving you.

(i can't stop loving you)

i want to tell you things. i want to tell you what it felt like to wake up today to a text from you. 'areyouawake?' i wish i had been. you've begun to become my best friend again and that scares me so bad. i stopped talking to you for that brief period of timed because well. it scared me to get that close to you. i can never really let go with you. because once i do i say things that hurt us both. so when you call me at night or in the morning and i seem like i don't want to talk to you, i do. i just don't want to say the wrong thing. i feel like the more time we have the closer we'll get. part of me loves that and part of me wants to hide from it. you mean so much to me. you are part of why i am who i am now. you changed me when we met. for the better. and even though i complain too much and cry too much you always listen. you always stay. and for that i will never be able to thank you enough.
and you were right. on that night i was trying to make you recite a memory you had about me. is that so bad?

just when i had you off my head,

your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed.

you say you wanna try again,

but i've tried everything but giving in.

why do you wanna break my heart again?

why am i going to let you try?

all we ever do is say goodbye.

you are an unseeable force to me. you are my eternal tide. hitting me over and over, causing my heart to combust within my chest. i can't quit you because we are destined to do this. you call me after weeks at a time and my heart melts. this is not in love. this is not wanting to date you or kiss you or hold you. it is memories that i miss. memories and your ever sweet words. 'you are why i breathe. i never knew what it was to love until i met you' i'm a sucker for sweet words like those. you say i am your sun, your light, your magic boy. but i'm just an average boy, trying to find something that will put me back together again. i can never be with you because you don't love me. you love the idea of me. you love the idea of a boy in california with sad blue eyes and loud laugh. but there is so much more to me than that. i never cry in front of you, i told you this. you were heartbroken even though it is the truth. i don't trust you enough. so why do i do this to myself? i have no idea. maybe i enjoy this hurt, maybe i feel like i deserve it. or maybe it is the way you can word things so perfectly that it makes me believe you actually care.

i wonder if it will always be this way.

your phone was really broken-

i tried the number twice.

and if you need conformation, baby i understand

it's alright if you want me to tell you;

you've got my only heart, you've got my only heart.

feel my chest when i look at you.

do you remember that night we were talking on the phone? we were laying the same way and breathing the same and you felt closer than anyone ever had. i tell you too much. i tell you about my past and my fears for my future. you drive me crazy. and i drive you insane. we scream at eachother and cry to eachother. we break our hearts so much over small things. we're too jealous, always. i try to leave for you and you try to make me go for me. we want to be happy when we already know we are. i want that future that we talk about even though we're unsure. i love our long talks and the way we need eachother so desperately. i cling onto you and you adore me. don't ever give up, keep trying. don't stop for even a moment because if you do then this is all for nothing. we can't give up on eachother. we can't give up on trying to be happy. everything will work out, i promise.

believe in me.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart,

the waking up is the hardest part.

you roll out of bed and down on your knees.

for a moment you can hardly breathe.

these are the relationships in my life that actually matter. they aren't perfect but they're mine. they don't like coexisting but they all care. these are the ones who i give pieces of me to. i would not be able to survive without them. everything else is trivial. everything else is awkward and weird and i don't know what to do. but with them i know i can be myself.

i am a fuck up and i am why i'm sad most of the time. but i'm trying to change that. and i hope to god that these relationships won't suffer because of it.

you know who you are. i know who you are. and i just want to thank you. thank you for helping even though we fight and cry and laugh and smile. the secret jokes and late night phone calls. the indecision. i wouldn't be me without you.

-james

life doesn't stop for anybody.

a few moments after i posted that last thing, my mom came in. i was crying and she said. 'what's wrong?' it made me cry harder. she sat on my bed and i cried into her shoulder. she held me, her smell is comforting, i felt like a little kid.

'do you remember when i'd kiss your forehead? over and over like this. and you'd try to push me away because it made you fall asleep. you were so little.' her voice is soft and warm and hers alone. i didn't stop crying or saying 'you're going to die, you're going to die.' she held me. i love my mom so much. she said, 'i'm not going to die right now. look at all we have to be happy for. the new house, a new start. your friend is staying with us over the summer. i'll give you anything you want as long as it makes you happy. a new bed? jellyfish? a new car? hmm? what do you want?" she was laughing and smiling which made me smile through my tears. i shook my head and said 'hardwood floors?' which brought us both to a fit of laughter. it was joyous and bright and colorful and my heart instantly healed.

it made me realize things. my mother is sick, yes. she will die probably of this illness. but it won't be today or tomorrow. it will be a while from now. and right now we have these moments. these moments of being crazy and smiling and knowing that she is my mother no matter what. i love my family too much for words. they mean so much to me. they're part of who i am. i guess i realized that i need to stop dwelling on the fact that my mom is sick and be happy in the fact that she is here now and everything is alright in this moment. this doesn't mean i can't be sad or cry on days where everything feels too big. it just means that for the most part, i should be happy with the amazing moments we get to have now.

i need to start living in the moment before these perfect, breath taking moments pass me by.

so i am. no more sadness or lying in bed to try and ignore the pain. no more feeling like nothing will be alright. i will try my hardest to live in the moment, this moment.

-james

i wish i was stronger.

my mother is sick. i've said this too many times to count. tonight is a night where this hurts more than i can ever say. she passed out in the hallway. i had to help her walk to bed. she was talking, in a quiet voice that made tears start to form in the corner of my eyes.

she said. 'when i die, i want a grave stone. a big white one. or i want you to plant a tree for me and have a little bench. i want a profound quote on the bench, you can bring your kids there and talk about me to them. you're good with quotes.' i told her to stop over and over yet she said it. i know what my mother wants when she dies, i know what is expected of me. why does she remind me so much? i'm sitting here and sobbing on this god damn computer and i want to hate her. i want to hate her for being my mom and making me rely on her throughout my life and then just. she is planning on leaving me like this. i want to hate god for taking away a mother i never knew to give me one i love so dearly. and now he is taking her away also. how fair is that?

maybe it isn't about fair, you'll say. maybe life just works that way or god doesn't plan these things or whatever else you plan on saying but. i've lost too much. too many fucking people and i'm tired of it. i love my mother so much. she gets sicker and sicker every day and all i can do is watch. how is this supposed to be alright? how is there a god when this is happening to me over and over? why do i keep losing everyone i care about? my real mom and connor's mom and andrew and my aunt and my uncle and just. other people. people i've cared about and loved so much.

i don't think i can do it this time. i get angry. i want to hit something or break something or scream at someone. i don't want to talk about what she wants on her fuckiung gravestone i want her to fight. this is all too much.

i drive in the car with her and smile. but i'm so sad on the inside. one day i will not have these days. these days filled with car rides and sunshine. and late night trips to the store where we spend seventy dollars that we don't have on things we don't need just to make us laugh. where we buy coffee at five am because my mom is insane. where we laugh so much my stomach aches. my mom is the funniest most sarcastic person i know. she makes me laugh so hard. i'll lose this one day. one day soon and i cannot think about this because it honestly tears me to pieces.

i will probably delete this later but i needed to get this out now.

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

-james

this was supposed to be about memories

i remember laying out on the lake with my best friends. i was carefree. we listened to songs with 'deep meanings' and told eachother we'd never grow old or apart. my heart stilled with the kisses i shared with alex. he was like putting my feet in cold water, surprising and muscle binding. i wasn't happier than, i am happier now. yet in that moment i was the happiest i'd ever been. we ate hotdogs and roasted marshmellows and i slept in a sleeping bag.

my mom's favorite song is landslide. this was played at my aunt's funeral. along with delta dawn. my cousin sang it and i was too shy to sing but i did in my head anyway. those were the days of tears and funeral arrangements. and my new shoes squished into the wet grass while they buried her yet i held my cousin's hand. i didn't cry because i didn't think it was correct to. we all rode back in her mom's car and she asked me about school, i smoothed out my black tshirt and wondered where we were going to go. we went back to my cousins house and ate those sandwiches from a plastic package and i wasn't sad.
that night i cried because it finally hit me. i don't think about this anymore. my aunt was really pretty and nice and she was always on my side yet i can't remember the color of her eyes.

i remember the moment i told my dad i had tried to kill myself. it was dramatic and loud and i screamed at him, tears pouring down my face, my fists wanting to hit something. he stared at me, said nothing. then after he came into my room and hugged me so hard my lungs ached. he said, "i love you. i love you. don't ever say that again."

i remember too much. but i want to remember these days, the days that are happening right now. today we had a bbq and i ate too much mac and cheese. connor is obsessed with his red jeans. my mom and i fought over money yet i hugged her after. my dad was wearing that colonge i bought him for easter and he looked silly in jeans. my sister is too old and her eyes are too sad but i love her anyway,the heartache will pass, she'll realize this. i'm worried about money but i realize i have something much better. my family is what keeps me here most days, i've realized this over and over. i love them all. they mean so much.

sleepytimenow.
-james