fish tank bubbles and broken boys.

this is my mind.

my heart is in my stomach, i can feel it. no wait. it is in my throat. he hasn't called for hours. i wonder where he is. i wonder if he is smoking or doing drugs or happy. i wonder if he is wondering about me. i don't want to answer as soon as he calls so it doesn't seem like i've been sitting by the phone all day even though i have. no wait, my heart is in my stomach again.
i'm on the verge of tears. i'm always on the verge of tears. i want to cry to someone and press my face against their bare stomach so they feel them. i want them to stroke my hair and say 'don't be scared' because i am scared. when i move i can smell my colonge or whatever it is and it smells good. i want goose bumps to break out across my skin, i want someone to whisper in my ear.
life feels too heavy lately. the future is too near. i have a job now, a good one, but it is still a job. next year i will go to school full time and i will have a full time job and no one will like me. i cry about this because no one ever likes me. i know someone will read this and say different but they don't see me on a daily basis. i'm not me anymore, i'm nothing at all. i wonder if i can call her back or if she'll be angry. i don't know. better not chance it. i want to hit something or scream at something or break something or kiss someone or be touched or be hit myself. i am suffocating and no one gives a fuck. i try to tell people and they ignore it until i cry and they act like i'm some burden. well i am. i'm a burden and it isnt gonna get any better. and now ive stopped caring about how i write things which is why im not using those ' things that im too lazy to type out the long word because its long even though writing that was longer then the word itself but i dont care. im needy lately. i need everything everyone something. id give up anything to feel how i felt a few years ago. messed up maybe but happy. friends everywhere and laughter all around. now im stuck in my room wondering what ill do if i see someone at the grocery store that i know. i cant go outside my stomach is aching fuck me. its too hot but i dont want to reach the fan. and now steph called and im crying so im going to say bye. when she said whats wrong it made me feel terrible because something is always wrong. im always wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong WRONG WRONG WRONG. i wish i was brave enough to actually hurt myself but im not. i can cut myself but not too deep and then when i do its angry marks that are too deep and make me cry harder and make my head spin and he still hasnt called and i just want to take a shower and breathe and i cant do this anymore because laureen is angry at me. she doesnt think i tell her anything when in reality i just filter my thoughts.
i want to die but more than that i want to live. i just want to be happy but i cant find it without putting myself out there a little even though i wont. i dont know why this is so hard for me. i used to be outgoing and now i cant even walk outside to take out the trash without feeling like im going to mess something up or someone will say hi and i will freak out. i just want to sleep but i want to talk to someone and cry to them i cant though im too much of a mess
writing this wont change anything but maybe laur will be less angry or sad or whatever she is and maybe i will be able to just cry and lay down and cry more until my stomach hurts and then ill climb under my blanket and feel somewhat safe.

idontknow.
-james