life doesn't stop for anybody.

a few moments after i posted that last thing, my mom came in. i was crying and she said. 'what's wrong?' it made me cry harder. she sat on my bed and i cried into her shoulder. she held me, her smell is comforting, i felt like a little kid.

'do you remember when i'd kiss your forehead? over and over like this. and you'd try to push me away because it made you fall asleep. you were so little.' her voice is soft and warm and hers alone. i didn't stop crying or saying 'you're going to die, you're going to die.' she held me. i love my mom so much. she said, 'i'm not going to die right now. look at all we have to be happy for. the new house, a new start. your friend is staying with us over the summer. i'll give you anything you want as long as it makes you happy. a new bed? jellyfish? a new car? hmm? what do you want?" she was laughing and smiling which made me smile through my tears. i shook my head and said 'hardwood floors?' which brought us both to a fit of laughter. it was joyous and bright and colorful and my heart instantly healed.

it made me realize things. my mother is sick, yes. she will die probably of this illness. but it won't be today or tomorrow. it will be a while from now. and right now we have these moments. these moments of being crazy and smiling and knowing that she is my mother no matter what. i love my family too much for words. they mean so much to me. they're part of who i am. i guess i realized that i need to stop dwelling on the fact that my mom is sick and be happy in the fact that she is here now and everything is alright in this moment. this doesn't mean i can't be sad or cry on days where everything feels too big. it just means that for the most part, i should be happy with the amazing moments we get to have now.

i need to start living in the moment before these perfect, breath taking moments pass me by.

so i am. no more sadness or lying in bed to try and ignore the pain. no more feeling like nothing will be alright. i will try my hardest to live in the moment, this moment.

-james