i wish i could just get it right.

i never understood love until i met you.

i never understood happiness until i heard your laugh.

i never understood beauty until i saw your lovely face.

i never understood what i was worth until you showed me.

i was never one for futures until i saw you in mine.

stars never felt like connections until we spoke of our undying love,

of our connection,

of our souls in terms of stardust.

i never knew anger until that boy touched you.

i never knew sadness until you were gone.

i had never felt loneliness until you left.

i had never felt unrelenting joy until you came back again.

i never thought of myself as something special,

until you showed me how i could shine.

i never knew tears until i felt them pour down my face,

your goodbye hanging in the air like death.

i had never laughed until you made fun of me.

i'd never said i love you until i said it to you.

my heart never broke until you were with someone else.

my heart never mended until you put it back together.

i had never heard music until you sang to me.

my heart had never beat until you made it so.

i had gone my whole life without living;

until i met you.

i don't think i have ever been this messed up. but i don't think i've ever been this in love. each day with you is an adventure. each moment we spend is a puzzle i would like to figure out. each second i get to call you mine will last a lifetime.

believe me when i say i will never let you go.

-james.

headed to a new life.

I'm heading north.

I'm going to see what my heart is really worth.

How are you going to catch me when i'm this gone?

why do you have to break my heart again?

why am i going to let you try?


i was so hopeful. and it brought me back to reality. it was an honestly stupid idea. mmm. people don't meet people and suddenly propose. i need to breathe for a little while.
i'm not going to be answering my phone for the next few days. so, to whoever calls, i'm sorry. but i need to think for a while.
i think that i just kind of need to maybe be alone. my heart feels too weird and my brain feels too. hmm. spacey i guess.

i was on the top of a cliff and i took a free fall and now i'm stuck on the ground. i hate being hopeful. i tell myself i will never open myself up like that again and yet i do every time. and it fucks me over again and again. why do i make myself vulnerable when those are the times i get hurt the most? it isn't worth it anymore. i let my heart out in the open for two moments and it shattered. i'm hiding now. i need to recover. i need to piece back together what i thought was going to be my future.

plans are made to be broken, my brother told me.

i don't understand why i do this to myself.

i bought a ticket on a plane.
and by the time it landed,
you were gone again.

-james.

because i saw that look on your face.

everyone tells me to let you go. not just the ones who hate you, but ones who love you. they tell me to set you free and let you fly among the clouds, instead of clawing at the cage i hold you in.
i am starting to believe them.

i can see our future together, but can you? are you just afraid of what may happen if i'm not here? i want you to know something, because when i try to tell you, it gets jumbled. so here it is.

i have never loved someone like you. this is fierce, this is my heart wanting to make a home in your soul. i love you more than i love my happiness. i care about your smiles more than i care about mine. i saw the way you smiled when he grabbed you. i know there is probably nothing between you but that little voice inside you said, 'oh he's interested' and smiled. because i am your first. because i am not even that really. i am a phone call and someone to cry with and my heart seeks out yours even from this distance.

do not deny things. just listen, i will always be here. part of me wants to let you go and part of me begs you to stay. which would be better for you? i know that you don't want me to weigh you down anymore, i know you. i know that i am placing a weight on your heart and i have to stop it.

it's hard. giving you up. it feels like a part of being is being ripped away. but i remind myself that no matter what, we will still talk. you have forever taken a place in my heart and i know i have taken a place in yours.

but this is me saying you can be free.
you can go and do what you want without worrying about my reaction.
i will still be here when you land, my little bird.

i saw the way you smiled when you told me you were going out and it broke my heart because you are gone. i didn't want to admit it but you are.

maybe this isn't the end. maybe this is just a new beginning.

-james.

to my monster, my little bear, my baby.

"daddy?"
"yes, monster?"

"is my mom an angel?"
"mhm she is. she lives up in the sky and sleeps on stars."
"does she miss me?"
"i bet she does. she watches you all the time. even right now."

"oh."
"i love you, con."
"i am happy you're here 'stead of on the stars."

i hope you get good grades in school. but more than that, i hope you make friends who mean something to you.

i hope you listen to me. but more than that, i hope you figure out who you are all by yourself.

i hope you stay small, forever drowning in my tshirts. but more than that i hope you get older and show everyone how special you are.

i hope you stay close to me always. but more than that i hope you travel the world, see all there is to see.

i hope you don't get too involved with girls too early. but more than that, i hope you fall in love. more than once.

i want to see you grow up. these years have meant more to me than i could ever explain. you are my soul and my shinshine. you're so small with your unruly blonde hair and your expressive eyes, but i hope that when you hear me say i love you, you know i mean that i always will. that no matter what happens i will always and forever love you. i want you to forever be the little boy who believes he can be an astronaut as soon as he is tall enough to sit in the front seat of the car.

i watch him each day. he is a little ball of happiness and everything good in the world and i am so glad that he is my little boy. that i am his dad. i don't think i will ever get over this feeling, this sense of awe. even when he is older and has his own kids and goes to work every day. even when he has his first girlfriend and wants to marry her. even when he is not the little boy who looks up at me and asks if his mommy is an angel.

i am reminded of why i am here on this earth every time i look at him.

-james

remember this, always remember this.

you mean something to me. remember that.

you always have.

'do you really think we are made out of the same star?'
'yes. i do.'

'i love you.'

you will always be my stardust,

i was a dreamer before you went and let me down

tonight i went to the fair. everything smelled like funnel cake and cotton candy. small kids smiling while their parents tried to take their hands. the funhouse scared connor but he didn't let it show. the big bright lights blinded us with fun and a light feeling in our hearts. i was a small kid again, riding along the tilt a whirl. three, four, five times. i ate two funnel cakes and a big thing of root beer. on the ferris wheel, my arms strectched to the sky, trying to take in the infinite feeling my body was humming with. the picture above sort of captures this i think, the little ring of yellow light among everything else, that was what i was tonight. the ring of yellow light, hovering, basking in the glow of the world.

when i was small and my life consisted of the three blocks in my neighborhood, the fair always amazed me. we would go every year. they'd have horses and music and rides. haystacks you could climb on and deep fried ice cream. i remember being too small to even spell my own name, but riding on the smaller childrens ride gave me a sense of pride. a sense that i belonged in the world. maybe that is a bit weird. but i feel like that. everyone is there for the same thing. to feel small again. we all ride the rides and wish we could feel like this forever, young and free from obligation.

connor is the brightest little soul i have ever seen. he has pure sunshine running through his veins. these boys were being mean to this little girl and connor, being so little and small, said in a very strong voice 'if you can't be nice then you should go home.' the boys didn't say one word to him. there was also another boy in line, being quite bossy, and i was about to say something until i hear con go 'please don't tell me what to do. it's mean.' and everything was settled. he held my hand throughout the day, something he never does, and he even sat on my shoulders for a little while. he is too sweet and i wonder where he gets this from. when i cry in my room alone, he'll come in and say 'scoot over', wrapping his little arms around my neck and giving me the biggest hug he can. i look at him, this perfect little piece of happiness, and it amazes me that he is a part of me.

plus lately he's been saying, 'stop being such a dumb square.' i find this too funny for words, because the way he says it is too cute. i have to video tape it i think.

anyway, tonight was one of those nights where i know i want to live. i don't want to stop living this amazing, perfect, crazy, tiring, life that makes me too happy and too sad. but i've started to realize that the happy outweighs so much of the sad.

-james.

the swell and rise of applause

when i was small, i wanted to something bigger than myself. i wanted to be like the way people call pain medication 'tylenol'. how instead of tissues, people call them 'kleenexes'. i wanted to be something that was so important it was almost mundane.

i remember being underneath my mother's blankets and sheets, the weight of them on top of me feeling like bricks of concrete. i remember trying to fall asleep with her hand stroking my cheek, her voice melting into the sounds around me. she would sing to me. songs i can barely remember anymore. why is it that your parents always have the best voice when you are young? my mom's voice was a comfort. the smell of my fathers cigarettes was a comfort. my brother's old tshirts flung across the floor were a comfort. i was so secure within myself with i was young. a small little bubble that was my world. then i began thinking of my life without them and the world seemed much bigger.

go to school, go to college, find a wife, have children, buy a big house in the suburbs. i never wanted that. i rebeled against the very idea of white fencing and a nine to five job. and now, now that i have found the one person i am devoted to, it is not so scary. what is bad about grilled cheese and crest toothpaste? what is wrong with watching your kids grow up and kissing your wife before you go to work?

i remember my father was always something huge when i was little. he was this unforseeable force, he could do no wrong. i was terrfied and fascinated by him. he would slap me across the face and i could only look at him in wonder, tears streaming down my cheeks, why was he so angry? my dad has always worked throughout my life. he's has many jobs. preschool teacher, police officer, carpet cleaner, he worked in an arcade, computer programmer, he has gone to so many night schools that it honestly amazes me. he seems to be happy where he is now though. working on computers and coming home to us every day at five pm. eating dinner and then going to bed only to wake up at six the next morning. i wonder if i will be like him.

summer is too close. i can smell chlorine and strawberries, so sweet that they sting your throat when you swallow. i'm thinking of long car rides with the window rolled down. swimming at night and finding ladybugs in the grass.

we found a house by the way. we'll be moving in by may 15th. it's perfect. everything is okay right now.

i miss people but i'm not allowed to anymore. hm.

-james.

boyhood bravery

"what? are you gay or something?"

this was my brother's question, in the middle of the hallway, as my hand slipped from another boy's. my heart was pounding so hard that words couldn't escape my mouth. i will remember that moment for the rest of my life. the fear i felt from one single question. i had swallowed too much salt water and my head was in a spinning cycle. i began crying because i didn't want things to change. this was a turning point in my life i think. not because i was bisexual or gay or whatever you want to call it. but because i was admitting this to someone i actually cared about. my brother knew nothing, my father knew nothing, i hid myself quietly in a cardboard box so i could fit in with the rest of everything.

my brother held me. he said, "i don't care, i don't care, i don't care. don't cry. please, i'm really sorry. don't think i'm mad at you." in this voice that made me knew he loved me anyway. it was this unspoken thing in my house. my dad wasn't homophobic yet he was. when i told him, my heart shattered as he looked away. we are way past that. lightyears past it. we make fag jokes and he doesn't look away when i talk about some adorable guy. everything is the way it should be now.

but in that moment it felt like nothing would be okay. i want to remember that moment. when it seemed like nothing could ever change, like everything would feel terrible forever. and now look where i am? i'm fine. my dad gives me too many hugs and my brother finally understands that you can fall in love with people, not genders.

anyway i just felt like writing a bit more.

oh and also. i remember holding hands for the first time with an actual boy. for a really long time. the way my hands got all nervous and shaky but still i held on. the boy with dark hair and eyes that smiled when he did. i remember those moments with him the most because those are the good times. when we would touch and feel the same fire, feel that little voice instead that whispered 'get closer, learn to trust.' i'm glad for all the times i've fallen in love. all the heartbreaks and heartbreaking. all the kisses and fighting. it has made me who i am, a part of me will forever be changed by each person i've ever loved.

and i would not have it any other way.

-james

unrelenting smiles and bubble gum

i remember when i was small with pale hair, the way i had tried to dye it with blueberries once. i liked hiding myself. even when i was young. forts were not just blanket covered caves, they were my protection from everything outside.

my life was not bad, it is not bad even now. my childhood was filled with trips to sea world, the park, spending ten dollars at the ice cream truck. i was carefree and sometimes thought nothing could hurt me. my sister was my best friend. she was always someone i protected.

once, at a playground, some kid hit her with a rock or something equally as dangerous. and me, seven year old me that weighed about as much as a bumble bee, hit this huge kid in the throat. i couldn't reach his face. i think from that moment on it was an unspoken rule that if anyone ever tried to hurt her i would be there.

i don't remember much of my mother when i was young. she was something of a ghost. i knew about her, i saw pictures of her, but she was always gone. my father told us that she was sick and left it at that. i wonder sometimes if she was like me. if maybe my dad cared a little more, would she be okay? maybe it was not her 'sickness' that killed her but a broken heart instead.

i remember my dad marrying my step mom. i remember accepting her as my mother even when i was small. she made me tuna sandwiches and read me 'the giving tree' even when i would scream at her, telling her she was terrible. my mom (my step mom. i will call her my mom throughout this though because even though she technically isn't, she still really is) had always been sick. when i was small, between the trips to adventure parks and disneyland, i can remember watching her inject herself with needles that flooded her veins with poison. i guess it's kind of like chemo. it makes you sicker than anyone can imagine. i've been thinking about everything a lot.

about my mom and the silly, weird, perfect memories we've had. she is getting sicker and i'm afraid if i don't write some of this down that i will forget it. that i will forget her? i was talking to my sister last night and she was reading this journal that i keep next to my bed. she asked why i wrote about my childhood, about my memories. and i simply said,

'i want to remember the breath taking moments for when the bad times come around again.'

-james.