tonight i went to the fair. everything smelled like funnel cake and cotton candy. small kids smiling while their parents tried to take their hands. the funhouse scared connor but he didn't let it show. the big bright lights blinded us with fun and a light feeling in our hearts. i was a small kid again, riding along the tilt a whirl. three, four, five times. i ate two funnel cakes and a big thing of root beer. on the ferris wheel, my arms strectched to the sky, trying to take in the infinite feeling my body was humming with. the picture above sort of captures this i think, the little ring of yellow light among everything else, that was what i was tonight. the ring of yellow light, hovering, basking in the glow of the world.
when i was small and my life consisted of the three blocks in my neighborhood, the fair always amazed me. we would go every year. they'd have horses and music and rides. haystacks you could climb on and deep fried ice cream. i remember being too small to even spell my own name, but riding on the smaller childrens ride gave me a sense of pride. a sense that i belonged in the world. maybe that is a bit weird. but i feel like that. everyone is there for the same thing. to feel small again. we all ride the rides and wish we could feel like this forever, young and free from obligation.
connor is the brightest little soul i have ever seen. he has pure sunshine running through his veins. these boys were being mean to this little girl and connor, being so little and small, said in a very strong voice 'if you can't be nice then you should go home.' the boys didn't say one word to him. there was also another boy in line, being quite bossy, and i was about to say something until i hear con go 'please don't tell me what to do. it's mean.' and everything was settled. he held my hand throughout the day, something he never does, and he even sat on my shoulders for a little while. he is too sweet and i wonder where he gets this from. when i cry in my room alone, he'll come in and say 'scoot over', wrapping his little arms around my neck and giving me the biggest hug he can. i look at him, this perfect little piece of happiness, and it amazes me that he is a part of me.
plus lately he's been saying, 'stop being such a dumb square.' i find this too funny for words, because the way he says it is too cute. i have to video tape it i think.
anyway, tonight was one of those nights where i know i want to live. i don't want to stop living this amazing, perfect, crazy, tiring, life that makes me too happy and too sad. but i've started to realize that the happy outweighs so much of the sad.
-james.
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